


Justice League Ragnarok

by Fictionstv



Series: DC Parodies [1]
Category: Justice League - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24610054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictionstv/pseuds/Fictionstv
Summary: Lobo, the bounty hunter, captures Diana and brings her to Mongul's world where combatants fight to the death for his amusement. Parody of Thor Ragnarok with DC characters.
Relationships: James "Jimmy" Olsen/Kara Zor-El
Series: DC Parodies [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1779172
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Themyscira**

Amazonian Queen, Hippolyta, and her gathered warriors circled around a portal that had become activated. Their spears and shields were ready for whoever was on the other side. A brilliant flash of light momentarily stunned them. As the light faded, a large muscular man in black clothes appeared. He had rough black facial hair, pale skin, red eyes, wild black hair, and was covered in body hair. In his mouth was a half-finished cigar.

"Greetings Ladies, the name is Lobo, and I'm here to collect a Kryptonian female. Any of you know where she may be?" he asked.

"For what purpose?" Hippolyta demanded.

"I am going to take her out on a real nice date and pander her all night," Lobo lied.

"I don't believe you," Hippolyta glared at him.

"You wouldn't be the first," Lobo admitted stepping towards the Amazonian women. "So many fine women all in one place; just makes me feel funny inside," Lobo grinned.

"We're not women," Hippolyta declared.

"What?" Lobo asked confused.

"We're Amazonians!" Hippolyta said and then gestured her warriors to charge him.

"Oh, thew, here I thought…," Lobo said relieved.

Amazonians attacked him in mass, but he merely swiped them away. Chuckling, he beat each Amazonian to the ground and took hold of Hippolyta's neck. "I don't think you know who you're dealing with," Lobo said as he blew smoke in her face.

"Foul beast," she spat.

"That's what I'm talking about," Lobo said pleased. "Now, tell me where the Kryptonian is," he demanded.

"She has already passed," Hippolyta answered.

"Passed as in…oh, you mean dead?" Lobo asked shocked.

"She died a warrior's death," Hippolyta said boldly.

"Damn. What else does this planet got?" Lobo asked disappointedly.

A sudden boom threw Lobo to the ground. Diana appeared with a sword and shield ready. "Diana?" Hippolyta gasped.

"I'm here, mother. I'll take care of this pig," she said confidently.

Lobo got up and shook his head. "Got a lot of ringing in my ears now," he said.

"Who are you?" Diana demanded.

"The name's Lobo. Here's my card," Lobo said and then punched Diana into a wall.

Diana quickly got back to her feet and charged Lobo with her sword. Lobo placed his palm out and disintegrated her sword into ash as it hit.

"Not again," Diana sighed.

Lobo punched at Diana, but she blocked with her shield. Lobo's punch cracked the shield apart. "Impossible," Diana said stunned.

"Believe it, little lady," Lobo said getting closer to her.

Diana placed her lasso around him. "Where are you from?" she demanded.

Lobo resisted the lasso and forced Diana close to himself. "The honest truth is that I'm sorry I have to sell you away," Lobo said.

"What?" Diana asked outraged.

Lobo dropped a capsule that transformed into a space motorcycle. "We're going on a ride. Hold tight," Lobo said giving Diana a kiss.

"Foul beast, I will…," Diana said and then suddenly accelerated into outer space.

* * *

Lobo arrived near a large arena on an alien planet. Large statues of an alien warlord were everywhere. "Here we are," Lobo said and used Diana's own lasso to tie her up.

"You will regret this. My friends will find me," Diana threatened.

"Right, sister," Lobo doubted.

Lobo carried the uncooperative Diana to a throne room. The alien warlord known as Mongul stepped forth to look over what Lobo had brought him. "This is the Kryptonian?" he asked skeptically.

"Unfortunately, the Kryptonian is dead, so I brought a substitute from Earth," Lobo said.

"A human? They are a pitiful race," Mongul said.

"This woman has strands of Kryptonian and human DNA. She's from a race of warrior women. I fought her myself. She ain't bad," Lobo pitched.

"A hybrid? How intriguing," Mongul allowed.

"I will not fight for your amusement," Diana spat.

"Oh, but you will," Mongul said confidently. "If you don't give me a good show, I'll destroy Earth. If you want your freedom back, you will have to defeat my champion," Mongul grinned.

"Let me face him then," Diana said confidently.

* * *

Deprived of her Amazonian weapons, Diana made do with a sword from the armory. She was then brought forth into the arena where thousands of alien species booed her. Mongul sat on his throne in the center box looking over the arena. To his left was none other than Hal Jordan of the Green Lantern Corps.

Diana looked up and saw Hal enjoying the tournament in his Green Lantern uniform. "Hal? You asshole," she shouted at him and gave him the middle finger for good measure.

"You know this woman?" Mongul asked Hal amused.

"Can't say that I do," Hal denied.

"Get me out of here, Hal!" Diana shouted.

"Let me take care of this," Hal said and then floated to Diana.

"What are you doing here?" Diana asked outraged.

"Look, Diana, I have to take care of a very big sector. Sometimes, you have to compromise for the greater good," Hal said embarrassed.

"These gladiator games are for the greater good?" Diana asked skeptically.

"Yes, if we didn't have these games these alien races would be out killing each other. This distracts them from their hatred of each other. Now, put on a good show for these guys but not too good, because I'm betting on the other guy," Hal said.

"Fuck you, Hal," Diana said as he flew off.

The gates opened and the alien races began to cheer. "Your champion!" Mongul said loudly.

Diana readied herself for anything. Would it be a large beast, a humanoid fighter with super-fast speed and reflexes, or perhaps an elemental? To her surprise, a boy in a red shirt walked out and waved to the crowd.

The crowd went wild dumbfounding Diana. "Really?" she wondered.

Hal smirked to Mongul. "She has no idea what's coming."

Diana confronted the kid. "I have nothing against you, boy. I must defeat you to save my world," Diana said politely.

"Lady, you're going to get your ass whipped," Billy smirked. "SHAZAM!" he cried out. Lightning from the sky hit Billy and transformed him into a muscular grown man.

Diana backed away wondering what to make of him. The alien crowd shouted "Shazam" repeatedly as they rooted for him. Diana readied her sword and went for an attack.

"Yeah, no," Shazam said and blasted her with lightning.

Diana went flying to the other side of the arena. Shazam used super-speed to get to Diana and threw her across the arena. Diana got back up only to find Shazam on her. She swung at him with her sword, but it broke upon hitting his chest. Shazam took hold of Diana and slammed her multiple times into the ground.

"Beat her ass, beat her ass!" the aliens cried out.

Shazam blasted Diana with lightning, which she was able to deflect with her wrist bands. "That's a nice trick," Shazam smirked.

"We don't have to do this," Diana told him.

"Sure, we do. If I win, Uncle Mongul will give me cakes and ice cream," he said.

Diana felt unnerved by the fact that a grown-ass man was talking to her with the voice of a little boy. "Mongul isn't your friend. He's manipulating you," Diana said.

Shazam was on Diana quickly giving her a Falcon Punch to the gut. Hal winced a little as Diana was getting the beating of her life. Finally, Shazam placed his boot on the defeated Diana and waited for Mongul's approval.

Mongul got off his throne and eyed the defeated Diana. He raised his hand ready to give the thumbs up or down. "What do you think, Green Lantern?" Mongul asked.

"Honestly, I would like to see her live another day. Maybe, bring her out for some mud wrestling. I know a half-human-half-cheetah that would be perfect for it," Hal suggested.

"Very well," Mongul allowed and gave Diana a thumbs up.

Shazam lifted his boot off Diana. "See you at my place," he said and walked off.

* * *

A beaten and exhausted Diana was brought to an alien apartment where she quickly fell asleep. Once she awoke, she looked around to find Billy playing with a spaceship toy. She also discovered she was naked.

"What the fuck?" she wondered.

"Oh, you're awake. Want to play with my toys?" he asked.

"No, I have to get back to Earth," she said flustered and used her blankets to cover herself.

"What's so special about Earth? There are so many exciting things that happen here. There are so many planets and star systems. I'm going to be the first human to see them all," Billy said enthusiastically.

"Look, kid. I don't have the same ambition that you do. I was on an island for thousands of years and never left," Diana said.

"That sounds so boring," Billy remarked.

"You can't keep doing this. You're killing everyone that Mongul gives a thumbs down to," Diana pointed out.

"Yeah, most of those guys are scumbags that Lobo finds," Billy said dismissively.

"I'm not one of those. I'm a hero on Earth, a member of the Justice League," Diana explained.

"Really?" Billy asked curiously. "I heard Lobo was going to get a Kryptonian female."

"That was Kara. She died gloriously in battle," Diana said.

"Wow, I would love to meet her," Billy said.

"Well, you can't. She's dead," Diana shot down.

"Like that's ever stopped me. I'll just use my power to resurrect her," Billy said obviously.

"You can do that?" Diana asked curiously.

"Of course, I can. I have so many powers. I can remember everything I read, I'm super-strong and super-fast, I got the power of lightning, I can fly, I can…," Billy listed off all his powers.

"I got it," Diana said bored as Billy spent the last few minutes detailing his powers. "How do you get bigger?" Diana asked.

"Wouldn't you like to know," Billy said with a flirtatious smile.

"I do," Diana said not taking the hint.

"Look, I can get you off this planet, but you have to bring me to this Kryptonian," Billy demanded.

"Agreed," Diana said quickly.

"Here's the problem. I can fly, but I can't fly at light-speed to get back to Earth," Billy said disappointed with himself.

"I know someone who can," Diana frowned.

* * *

Hal Jordan was minding his own business when he was suddenly ambushed by Diana and Shazam. "I want off this planet, and you better help me," Diana said fiercely.

"Yeah, you better," Shazam said with Billy's voice.

"I'll take it from here," Diana told him.

"I would, but yellow is my weakness, as in lots of yellow gold," Hal explained.

"You bastard! You're a Justice League member," Diana reminded him.

"I'm more than just a member of your club," Hal said condescendingly. "I'm basically a god."

"You pompous ass. I've fought gods more powerful than you," Diana said angrily and then swiped off his green mask.

Hal gave Diana a sheepish look as she crinkled the mask that was clearly not made of energy. "What the?" Diana wondered. She then tore at his suit confirming her suspicions.

"Where's your god powers now, Hal?" Diana asked outraged.

Hal sighed. "Right now, the main battery at Oa is a little low. It has something to do with this civil war within the Corp that I may or may not have been responsible for," Hal said embarrassed.

"You've been acting like you have powers this whole time to impress Mongul," Diana accused.

"I sense you're green with envy," Hal replied.

"How long until your ring recharges?" Diana demanded.

"Well, that depends on whether Sinestro is defeated anytime soon, and he's winning, so…," Hal let it hang.

"What if I charge his ring?" Shazam suggested.

"Good idea, kid. I would love to see you shocked for a change," Diana said angrily.

"That isn't going to work. His powers are yellow energy-based. It will simply bounce off the ring," Hal said.

"So, we're stuck here?" Diana asked outraged.

"We might be able to get a ship," Hal suggested.

* * *

Mongul was resting on his throne when an alien assistant woke him. "What is it?" he demanded.

"Someone has stolen your favorite ship, my Lord," the assistant said.

"I pity the fool that would steal one of my ships," Mongul said outraged.

Hal, Diana, and Shazam went straight towards a warm hole that would get them back to Earth. "I'm pretty sure that if we go through the Devil's asshole, we will get to Earth," Hal said confidently.

"What?" Diana wondered.

"That red thing," Hal pointed.

"You really know how to fly this thing?" Shazam asked skeptically.

"Yeah, kid. How about you make yourself useful and fry all those ships that are after us," Hal said irritably.

"Okay!" Shazam said and stood on top of the ship.

"I'll help," Diana joined in.

Shazam fired lightning at the pursuing ships causing them to explode or crash. Some of the ships crashed into buildings filled with people and then those buildings crashed into crowded squares. The whole city was being ripped apart from Shazam's discharges.

"Wicked!" Shazam said as he continued his killing spree.

Diana merely deflected incoming laser beams with her arm bracelets to shield the ship. Hal piloted the ship up into the air towards the portal. "Here goes nothing," Hal said as they entered.

Diana and Shazam reentered the ship as it went faster-than-light towards Earth.


	2. Chapter 2

Mongul's armada also went through the portal and chased down the Justice League members. Hal flicked his ring turning it on. "Hmm…might have been a reception issue," he wondered.

"You asshole, take us to Kansas," Diana ordered.

Hal piloted across the United States to Smallville Kansas. The ship crashed landed not too far from their destination. Hal continued to flick his ring while Diana took Shazam to the cemetery.

"Can you fly?" Shazam asked Diana.

"No," Diana said annoyed.

"I'll take you. Just let me carry you," Shazam said.

Diana sighed and allowed Shazam to carry her as they flew to the cemetery. Once they got there, Diana looked for Kara Kent's tombstone.

"That one," Diana pointed out.

"Can I resurrect the others, too?" Shazam asked excitedly.

"No, just this one!" Diana said impatiently.

"Okay, here goes," Shazam smiled and then fired lightning into the grave.

* * *

Hal continued to play with his ring wondering what the deal was. A large fleet came upon his position. "Oh, shit," Hal said as he was surrounded.

"What's taking so long?" Diana asked Shazam impatiently.

"Come on, I don't do this very often," Shazam replied.

Suddenly a pale hand burst through the ground. "You did it," Diana said amazed.

Kara burst from the ground dressed in a black uniform and white cape. "What the fuck happened?" she asked confused.

"You died," Diana nodded.

Kara looked around at the cemetery. "I got that part. What else?"

"There's an alien invasion force that is going to destroy the planet if we don't stop it," Diana added.

"Neat," Kara said still disoriented.

"Wow, you're the Kryptonian. You look beautiful," Shazam said excitedly.

"Were you the one that resurrected me?" Kara asked.

"Yep, on my own," Shazam said proudly.

"I'm going to eat your brains first," Kara said stepping towards him.

"What the?" Shazam asked backing away.

Kara laughed. "The look on your face; imagine if that did happen."

"Kara: focus!" Diana shouted.

"One question: Is Jimmy still alive?" Kara asked hopefully.

"Why does that matter?" Diana asked.

"Who's Jimmy?" Shazam asked ignorantly.

Kara gave Shazam a dirty look. "Well, depending on whether he's alive or not, I may decide to jump ship," Kara said bluntly.

"He's alive, definitely alive," Diana replied.

"How do you know?" Shazam wondered.

"Shut the fuck up," Diana hissed at him.

* * *

Mongul descended from his ship with an army of alien minions and approached Hal Jordan. "So, Green Lantern, why did you take my prized champion and my favorite ship?" he demanded.

"They forced me into it," Hal excused.

"But I thought you were as powerful as a god," Mongul recalled.

"I may have fudged a little," Hal admitted.

Mongul gave him a wicked grin. "I'm going to make you watch as I destroy every planet in your sector."

"Honestly, I don't really give a shit about those other planets," Hal said.

Kara landed with a boom right in front of Mongul. "The Kryptonian I have heard so much about," Mongul smiled amused.

Shazam carried Diana to the battlefield, and the Flash suddenly zipped by. "Batman and Cyborg are on their way," Flash told them.

"What about Aquaman?" Diana asked.

"There's no water here," Flash pointed out.

"He doesn't need water. He's not a god-damn fish!" Diana told him.

"I don't know where he is," Flash admitted.

"So, this is the Justice League," Mongul mocked. "I'm only here for one of you," Mogul said pointing to Kara. "Your world doesn't need to end today."

"That does sound reasonable," Hal said to the group.

"Hal, how about you materialize some balls," Diana shot back.

"Don't worry guys. I can handle this," Kara said cracking her knuckles. With super-speed, she engaged Mongul punching him to the jaw. Mongul spat on the ground unimpressed. He took hold of Kara and slammed her on the ground several times and then kicked her back towards the group.

"So, I guess I'm a little rusty," Kara said sheepishly.

"We fight together," Diana said.

"As do I," Mongul said unleashing his alien army on them.

The Justice League engaged the alien minions with all of their powers. Hal was on the sidelines in deep contemplation. "Who am I?" he wondered.

He looked at his ring thoughtfully. "It's not fear that's holding me back," he realized. "It's…,"

* * *

The Justice League got hammered by Mongul's superior forces. Wave-after-wave of minions kept coming. The Flash used his super-speed to go through the ranks hitting as many of their officers as he could. Diana blasted them with her wrist bands. Shazam sent a lightning chain that went through a large number of them.

Seeing an opening, Diana went after Mogul, but he defeated her with pure strength. Diana was cast aside next to Hal. "Hal, please give a shit!" Diana said to him.

"That's it," Hal realized. "The thing that has kept me from reaching my full potential is… that I don't actually give a shit."

Hal watched as Flash got busted up making him unable to move. Mongul had Shazam in a headlock. "Say your name," he told him as he squeezed. "Say your name, and I will give you ice cream."

"Really?" Shazam wondered. "Okay, Shazam," Shazam said and became a kid again.

Mongul kicked Billy aside knocking him out. "Dumbass kid."

A black jet arrived and fired missiles at Mongul's ships causing some superficial damage. The Batwing swung low and fired its machine guns on the alien minions. Cyborg dropped down and fired his plasma cannon and onboard missiles in every direction.

The US Air Force joined the Batwing and fired a string of missiles at Mongul's ships. The alien ships retaliated, hitting fighters with laser fire. "Cyborg, link up to one of their disabled ships," Batman said as he avoided the laser fire.

"Roger that, Batman," Cyborg said and rocketed his way to a crashed ship. He blasted the surviving crew of the ship and then initiated a link up with the computer.

"I now have access to their central defense commands," Cyborg said and proceeded to order the ships to fire on each other.

The Batwing and US fighters disengaged as Mongul's ships fired on themselves creating brilliant explosions. Mogul eyed the destruction of his fleet and was punched to the face by Kara. He grabbed her angrily.

"What are you fighting for, Kryptonian?" he mocked.

"For Jimmy," Kara gasped.

"Who the fuck is Jimmy?" Mongul asked.

Kara became enraged and blasted Mongul with heat vision blinding him. Kara then unleashed her full fury punching Mongul to the gut and head as hard as she could. Kara isolated Mongul from the rest of his army and fought him on the plains of Kansas.

A large green fly swatter came down upon Mogul's army swatting them completely. Hal then materialized a large roller that squashed any remaining survivors. Hal then materialized a large green battle cruiser that fired green laser beams on Mogul's fleet destroying it completely.

"I am a god, and I do give a shit," Hal said victoriously.

* * *

Kara kept going punching Mogul through wheat fields but was suddenly blasted by Mongul's hidden chest cannon. "Bitch, please," Mongul smiled.

Mongul put his hands behind his back as he walked towards an exhausted Kara. "Here I thought you would be my greatest champion. What a disappointment."

"Oh, you got me all wrong," Kara said getting back to her feet. "I was just warming up."

"What?" Mongul demanded.

"If I defeated you in a few seconds, there would be no fun in that," Kara smiled.

"But your comrades, all those people on the battlefield?" Mongul asked shocked. "No, I don't believe it," he doubted.

Kara used her heat vision to melt Mongul's chest cannon and dropped him to his knees. "Yeah, I wouldn't have put something like that so close to my heart."

Mongul spat blood as he was facing cardiac arrest. Kara casually walked up to Mongul and punched him through the gut and out the other side. "Yuck," Kara made a face as she withdrew her bloody hand.

"No, Kara. Don't kill him," Batman said as he approached.

"Oh, no, no, no. You're not getting this kill. It's mine," Kara said determinedly.

"You don't want to do this. Killing is not the answer," Batman said as he was getting closer. In his right hand was a Batarang.

"No, go fuck yourself," Kara said knowing what he was up to.

Suddenly green chains surrounded Mongul pinning his arms and legs. "What the?" Kara wondered taking a step back.

Hal took hold of Mongul sending him into space and then throwing him into the sun.

"Damn it," Kara said annoyed.

* * *

Military personnel arrived on the scene of the battle and began treating the wounded. "I'll be okay," Flash said as his wounds had already healed.

"Let's get you some ice cream," a nurse said to Billy as he was taken away.

Hal Jordan flew near some Air Force pilots. "Good work, men," he said and gave them a salute as he flew off.

"I always knew our galactic protector would be…an American," Cyborg said with a tear in his human eye.

"I'm going back home," Diana said peeved.

* * *

Kara and Batman sulked in the middle of a wheat field. "So…should we continue where we left off," Kara asked Batman referring to their earlier duel.

"I wouldn't," Batman said taking out a piece of Kryptonite from his utility belt.

"If you carry that around with you in your belt every day, you're going to be infertile," Kara warned.

"There are always more orphans to replace the lost ones," Batman countered.

"Wow, that's fucked up," Kara smiled and walked over to Batman. "We didn't shake hands last time."

"I like having a hand," Batman replied.

"Now that I am weakened by your rocks, how about it?" Kara asked extending her hand.

Batman cautiously shook her hand. "To Justice."

* * *

Hal Jordan appeared next to the president with a congressional medal of honor. "First, I want to thank God…"

"This is such bullshit," Diana said on the couch while lying on Steve Trevor's lap at his apartment. The two were watching the news.

"You know what isn't? Bringing me back from the dead," Steve said appreciatively.

"At least I have one fan," Diana smiled and kissed him.


End file.
